I sit on a thought as I decide my fate and actually I should have sought a side I should have taken but think of each night I'm awake. But here I am again thinking each night awake. I never again will give my heart to someone claiming to be a friend trying to be more than a friend. Which is why I don't want to be in a relationship or why I don't like to be around this love shit because my thoughts, a wild imagination that's uncontainable, are the reason why I say be straight up with me, be upfront with me be straightforward with me, so that I don't have my thoughts go wild, think about what you did that was wrong, or what you did that wasn't fair, or you know thinking to myself that I that I'm in the wrong when I'm in the right, or what I could have done differently one day or one night.
Can I see you tonight?
After?
Ever?
So don't take this as a fault against you but understanding who I am and what I've been through. I give myself so freely to everyone around me because that's what love is supposed to be. You're supposed to give love unconditional to everyone around you, but when I have to focus all of that energy on one person it distorts and messes with others, people who want and receive my love on a daily basis. People are not giving it so they act differently and the people that I need to give my love to on a singular basis are flooded with something that is not supposed to be flooded. So yes I'm going to enjoy my life and yes I'm going to make myself happy because that is all that matters but I'm not going to make myself happy while you suffer, I'm not going to make myself happy while you're sad, that's not the point. The point is for me to pursue my happiness, for you to pursue your happiness and not let our happiness conflict with each other. Please understand I don't mind continuing being your friend. I don't feel the same way as I used to. The love I felt is completely different than the love you'll receive as my friend and I don't want that to be misconstrued. And yes hearing of your decision to not be with that other man made my body tingle with excitement. I want you yet I want this break. I like you and will never stop. I love you yet I want to pursue that later. I hate you and I want to stop.
But when can I see you?
After?
Ever?
Why did getting rid of you destroy everything of me? Why am I sinking slowly into the sea? What brought this about for you to do this to me? Or why do I do this to myself: yearn and grow only to burn or explode. And as I calm and see through the debris from the tornado of emotion I felt. I'm left thrashed and broken and hollow inside. But that's a part of the spell. Make me feel less than what I am in order to crawl back whimpering and scared.
Maybe that's why I don't do relationships. You see when you're happy, I'm happy. But when you are not happy and won't tell me why; I'm thinking of the many different things that could be why. Am I the reason why? Am I allowed to know the reason why?
Will I have the chance to ask you why?
After?
Ever?
Know what this is my last time saying goodbye. I'm never coming back.
