Sith Creed

"Peace is a lie. There is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken."
-the Sith Creed

29 March 2013

An Unsent Letter...

June 13, 2010

Dear Grandma,

Sorry I have not written to you. We have been busy. Today however, I am working. It is not that bad. At the beginning of the deployment, we are so busy getting everything set up. Now everything is in working order.

Right now we are at the halfway point. Can't wait to get back home. I have been looking at colleges in North Carolina. I think I want to go to Appalachian State in Boone. I love the mountains and going camping which is around that area.

Other than that I am doing good. A little homesick but good. I have been doing my best to keep in touch with mom and everyone back home. How are you and Grandpa doing? Good, I hope. I plan on visiting you when I get back to the states. Tell everyone I said Hi.

Love you
TJ

23 March 2013

Crossroads and Deadlines: Foundation

At twelve a.m. Oct. 6th, I was awoken from my sleep by my boss calling me in to work. I have already prepared for bed and in order for me to get ready for work I need to take a shower and make myself presentable. I am scheduled to go into work tomorrow. I was never placed onto "stand-by". I am not saying I don't want to work; but I am not (and kind of incapable of) rushing up the road to work for two hours. I enjoy working there. I enjoy the fact that I was called in their time of need. This is a brand new club. One month old as of tonight. This is the foundation I was looking for while I was in a slump.

I think my biggest problem about this is the fact that there is no way I could rush there. With my injured ankle, it would have taken me at least a half hour to walk to work. I am hoping that this is not a test. I am tired of people in the civilian world enacting "tests".

Zwavi

So much is weighing on me right now. This state of darkness is consuming me. I haven't been in this area of my mind for a long time. As I sit here and watch cheesy romantic comedies, I wonder where my other half may be. I laugh at the funny parts and choke on the sappy parts.

The last time I can remember being in this alone I was in high school, shunned and outcasted. I took on a personality that would propel me to where I am right now. I thrusted myself into the limelight. I became something to avoid the darkness. Why have I retreated into it for safety? Maybe my destiny is to be alone for all time. Is that why I feel so comfortable here? Purposefully sulking in a void of escapism. This time around I am not running into the arms of drugs and promiscuous sex. That has lead me to a much deeper chasm of heartbreak and disappointment.

This time around I am going to focus on weightlifting and school. This is the next stage of my life. Eradicating my Facebook was the best choice. I know there are some friends who would understand. Then there are some who do not know why I am doing this. I don't even know if any of my friends would read this.

All in all, this is my journey. I must make it alone. This is my avalanche and I will dig myself out. My words are my will. My workouts are my shovel.

21 March 2013

Banished and left for dead...

Today, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. My past prompted me to do so. About four years ago, I witnessed my Marine friend get burned in a "freak" barbecue accident. I was mentally scarred. I did the right thing and sought treatment/help. But alas, the help I enlisted was not the help I thought necessary. I vowed to take up the study of psychology to help myself.

Now on this day, I realized that those scars never healed. Those wounds have prevented me from connecting with people. They were an obstacle in my pursuit of happiness. I couldn't even bare my heart in any relationships I forged. I would surround myself with people only to feel more alone. The funny thing is I don't want to be alone. I want to feel the love of those around me. But the more I think about it the more separated I become.

The adventure has taken a turn inward. Will I be able to navigate the dark recesses of my mind and become again? Am I stricken with a sadness that can never be reversed? Will someone come and save me from myself?