Wake n Bake diary 12

July 19

Good morning!

Today is a good day so far. I figure some time during the week I will finish explaining some of my experiences in the porn industry. Most of the mob mentality has died down. I don't want to make anyone out to be the villain however I do want to bring to light a few things I didn't appreciate.

Wake n Bake diary 11

July 17

Good morning. I realize that I am coming in and out like waves. One moment I feel like I have a lot to say and express it. Then the next I feel like I have said too much and need to quiet down. And I'm allowed to feel that. 

Personal update

Hello everyone. I'm in a depression slump right now. Slowly getting better. I will continue with my wake n bake diary soon. There's still so much I want to discuss about my time doing porn.

Today I want to bring to light the status of my mental health. It's not widely known and, up until a few days ago, has been a need to know item. 

Few days ago I hosted a poll on my Twitter. The framing is a bit off but lately I have been asked a few times to be in a romantic relationship. The last few times, I have been open about my mental condition; I suffer from PTSD and depression. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not well. I'm also happily able to admit that I am doing everything I can to get better. However I am shamed because I don't want a relationship.

I would rather die single and happy than in a relationship making someone miserable because I don't have my mental health in order.

The Fourth of July Contract

America's founding fathers created a legally binding document that gave the people power over their government. And we're at the point where our government has breached the contract.

 They're afraid the Black lives movement will do what the county's founding fathers did to England; cut ties.

Wake and Bake diary 10

June 22

It's been a few days. I started a few days ago speaking out my thoughts and experiences regarding racism in the porn industry. Honestly, it's difficult. I'm grateful for Fabscout and legends like, Chi Chi LaRue, for hiring me and giving me the opportunity to work. I'm not calling for a witch hunt because of racist behavior or comments.

I was asked by Papi Chulo, in my first interview ever, "what are your thoughts about racism in the porn industry?" I answered honestly, "I have not experienced any-". To which I was cut off. He explained that there's a lot of backlash that comes from say racism doesn't exist in the porn world.

I'm not naive enough to think, or say, that it doesn't exist. Yet I didn't have personal definitive proof of "racist bigot A" being racist.

June 23

Like I said, this is difficult to speak out about. And I will take as many diary entries necessary to explain. 

I'm also to the point where I don't care if my "exposure" ends my chances of more work. I say that because that seems to be the trend or I'm interpreting it differently.

However, I saw again, this is not a witch hunt. My experiences aren't typical and will most likely be denied. I'm the type of person to tell someone to their face if I think their comments were inappropriate, because I have. There's been jokes and off color comments made to me and I told that person (model, agent, or director) right then. I've never been afraid to say "I can see why you would think that would be funny, but it's not funny to me" or "that sounds racist. Please don't say that again". I feel others are not speaking up on set, or at that moment. 

June 24

...And then I remembered about my contract.

Please forgive my jumping around. Hindsight bias is at the forefront of my thoughts. And it brought up the biggest feeling of racial disparity.

June 26

And I figured it out: it's still difficult. But today I had a little help.

July 1

My first bareback scene was with Damon Andros. I enjoyed it. The scene had the same energy as losing my virginity. It was the first scene I setup on my own without my agent's help. Had I included him in the booking process that act wouldn't have been a breach of contract. 

I took the risk because I needed money to pay for bills. I spent a week prior begging the agency for work. I was desperate. I felt that, as my friend, my agent would understand. But I was threatened with "should I make an example of you?"

My heart sank.