Different Shades of Me

Sith Creed

"Peace is a lie. There is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken."
-the Sith Creed

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Untitled: 20140126

It always comes to this:


Blanks.
So many ideas flowing through my mind,
but none of them want to come out.
I stare and I stare
hoping the words would appear by themselves
I grip and I whine
when they do come out
because I feel guilt and shame
and a misery I can't compare.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Bacon Bandit style #772

Celebrity: "Surprise! I released an album!"
Me: "Surprise! I don't care."

Unless I play the album in some remote jungle and some ancient temple's door disinterred itself, I might think about listening to it in the gym. Can I lift to it?

Right now I have Drum and Bass in my iPod:

DnB Mix- NC-17

It motivates me in the gym.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Post 83: The Day I Looked Within

Tonight, I may have lost a masterpiece muse.
You know, that one muse to which you attach yourself.
Or the kind of muse whose inspiration is like a bright light.
Shining so bright in the night
That sloth begins to wither and fade.
Like the art made from those with a broken heart
Or treading atop the briny sea foam of loneliness.

I wonder if the muse ever realizes it.
What does the muse do?
Because no matter the outcome there will be a piece…
A piece of art.
A piece of heart.
Strewn about a canvas
Or shattered across a fret.
But let it be known:
The artist can't be inspired by an intangible muse.
Muscle must be grabbed
If it to be plucked from marble.
Songbirds must have a rhythm,
If it is to match your tune.
The forest must be set ablaze,
If it is to be called a conflagration.

Which is how it feels to lose your inspiration,
Stuck
All alone
Putting out a fire
Because you wanted to paint the forest on fire
Yet you can't paint fire
At all
Because you don't have the color red.

Friday, March 29, 2013

An Unsent Letter...

June 13, 2010

Dear Grandma,

Sorry I have not written to you. We have been busy. Today however, I am working. It is not that bad. At the beginning of the deployment, we are so busy getting everything set up. Now everything is in working order.

Right now we are at the halfway point. Can't wait to get back home. I have been looking at colleges in North Carolina. I think I want to go to Appalachian State in Boone. I love the mountains and going camping which is around that area.

Other than that I am doing good. A little homesick but good. I have been doing my best to keep in touch with mom and everyone back home. How are you and Grandpa doing? Good, I hope. I plan on visiting you when I get back to the states. Tell everyone I said Hi.

Love you
TJ

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Crossroads and Deadlines: Foundation

At twelve a.m. Oct. 6th, I was awoken from my sleep by my boss calling me in to work. I have already prepared for bed and in order for me to get ready for work I need to take a shower and make myself presentable. I am scheduled to go into work tomorrow. I was never placed onto "stand-by". I am not saying I don't want to work; but I am not (and kind of incapable of) rushing up the road to work for two hours. I enjoy working there. I enjoy the fact that I was called in their time of need. This is a brand new club. One month old as of tonight. This is the foundation I was looking for while I was in a slump.

I think my biggest problem about this is the fact that there is no way I could rush there. With my injured ankle, it would have taken me at least a half hour to walk to work. I am hoping that this is not a test. I am tired of people in the civilian world enacting "tests".

Zwavi

So much is weighing on me right now. This state of darkness is consuming me. I haven't been in this area of my mind for a long time. As I sit here and watch cheesy romantic comedies, I wonder where my other half may be. I laugh at the funny parts and choke on the sappy parts.

The last time I can remember being in this alone I was in high school, shunned and outcasted. I took on a personality that would propel me to where I am right now. I thrusted myself into the limelight. I became something to avoid the darkness. Why have I retreated into it for safety? Maybe my destiny is to be alone for all time. Is that why I feel so comfortable here? Purposefully sulking in a void of escapism. This time around I am not running into the arms of drugs and promiscuous sex. That has lead me to a much deeper chasm of heartbreak and disappointment.

This time around I am going to focus on weightlifting and school. This is the next stage of my life. Eradicating my Facebook was the best choice. I know there are some friends who would understand. Then there are some who do not know why I am doing this. I don't even know if any of my friends would read this.

All in all, this is my journey. I must make it alone. This is my avalanche and I will dig myself out. My words are my will. My workouts are my shovel.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Banished and left for dead...

Today, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. My past prompted me to do so. About four years ago, I witnessed my Marine friend get burned in a "freak" barbecue accident. I was mentally scarred. I did the right thing and sought treatment/help. But alas, the help I enlisted was not the help I thought necessary. I vowed to take up the study of psychology to help myself.

Now on this day, I realized that those scars never healed. Those wounds have prevented me from connecting with people. They were an obstacle in my pursuit of happiness. I couldn't even bare my heart in any relationships I forged. I would surround myself with people only to feel more alone. The funny thing is I don't want to be alone. I want to feel the love of those around me. But the more I think about it the more separated I become.

The adventure has taken a turn inward. Will I be able to navigate the dark recesses of my mind and become again? Am I stricken with a sadness that can never be reversed? Will someone come and save me from myself?

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Traveling Home

Leaned up against the pole, I rocked my head to the undulating beat. The train rocked and swayed. The perfume on the girl two seats ahead of me smelled really sweet. I see him every day. At the same time. Going the same way. His eyes were the type of hazel that mimicked the most dominant color and today he was wearing blue. Today, he wore a smile with the tail of a smirk.