An Unsent Letter...

June 13, 2010

Dear Grandma,

Sorry I have not written to you. We have been busy. Today however, I am working. It is not that bad. At the beginning of the deployment, we are so busy getting everything set up. Now everything is in working order.

Right now we are at the halfway point. Can't wait to get back home. I have been looking at colleges in North Carolina. I think I want to go to Appalachian State in Boone. I love the mountains and going camping which is around that area.

Other than that I am doing good. A little homesick but good. I have been doing my best to keep in touch with mom and everyone back home. How are you and Grandpa doing? Good, I hope. I plan on visiting you when I get back to the states. Tell everyone I said Hi.

Love you
TJ

Crossroads and Deadlines: Foundation

At twelve a.m. Oct. 6th, I was awoken from my sleep by my boss calling me in to work. I have already prepared for bed and in order for me to get ready for work I need to take a shower and make myself presentable. I am scheduled to go into work tomorrow. I was never placed onto "stand-by". I am not saying I don't want to work; but I am not (and kind of incapable of) rushing up the road to work for two hours. I enjoy working there. I enjoy the fact that I was called in their time of need. This is a brand new club. One month old as of tonight. This is the foundation I was looking for while I was in a slump.

I think my biggest problem about this is the fact that there is no way I could rush there. With my injured ankle, it would have taken me at least a half hour to walk to work. I am hoping that this is not a test. I am tired of people in the civilian world enacting "tests".

Zwavi

So much is weighing on me right now. This state of darkness is consuming me. I haven't been in this area of my mind for a long time. As I sit here and watch cheesy romantic comedies, I wonder where my other half may be. I laugh at the funny parts and choke on the sappy parts.

The last time I can remember being in this alone I was in high school, shunned and outcasted. I took on a personality that would propel me to where I am right now. I thrusted myself into the limelight. I became something to avoid the darkness. Why have I retreated into it for safety? Maybe my destiny is to be alone for all time. Is that why I feel so comfortable here? Purposefully sulking in a void of escapism. This time around I am not running into the arms of drugs and promiscuous sex. That has lead me to a much deeper chasm of heartbreak and disappointment.

This time around I am going to focus on weightlifting and school. This is the next stage of my life. Eradicating my Facebook was the best choice. I know there are some friends who would understand. Then there are some who do not know why I am doing this. I don't even know if any of my friends would read this.

All in all, this is my journey. I must make it alone. This is my avalanche and I will dig myself out. My words are my will. My workouts are my shovel.

Banished and left for dead...

Today, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. My past prompted me to do so. About four years ago, I witnessed my Marine friend get burned in a "freak" barbecue accident. I was mentally scarred. I did the right thing and sought treatment/help. But alas, the help I enlisted was not the help I thought necessary. I vowed to take up the study of psychology to help myself.

Now on this day, I realized that those scars never healed. Those wounds have prevented me from connecting with people. They were an obstacle in my pursuit of happiness. I couldn't even bare my heart in any relationships I forged. I would surround myself with people only to feel more alone. The funny thing is I don't want to be alone. I want to feel the love of those around me. But the more I think about it the more separated I become.

The adventure has taken a turn inward. Will I be able to navigate the dark recesses of my mind and become again? Am I stricken with a sadness that can never be reversed? Will someone come and save me from myself?

Traveling Home

Leaned up against the pole, I rocked my head to the undulating beat. The train rocked and swayed. The perfume on the girl two seats ahead of me smelled really sweet. I see him every day. At the same time. Going the same way. His eyes were the type of hazel that mimicked the most dominant color and today he was wearing blue. Today, he wore a smile with the tail of a smirk.

The Day I Refused to Reflect

I know I have not written in a while. I have let this semester get full swing and I am slightly backed up. I also joined the rugby team again for this next season. I am graciously falling in love with a wonderful man. I am doing well towards my goal of weightlifting/bodybuilding.

That is not the reason why I am writing. I am writing today because I almost got into a fight with my English teacher. She is very old fashioned and works inside a box. I have a selection from one of the first assignments. It explains how I feel about the wording of this assignment. I do not know the outcome as I am turning this assignment in today. What do you think about this?

Reflection

To ask for a reflection so early in the assignment seems irrelevant and unnecessary. In all honesty, it is quite confusing. Fives weeks into the semester and there are minor writings gearing the class for the actual first paper leaves no room for reflection. There does not seem like enough time or a substantial amount of information on which to be reflected. A more fitting word to use would be “contemplation” or “deliberation”. Either of those words are suitable for conveying the importance of deep thought with an emphasis on the future or the present.

I am a present to future minded person. I have learned that in the past (by way of reflection) I have a tendency to dwell on or become enthralled with past events, hindering my thought processes that can propel me into the future. I have also learned, over time, the ability to think critically. Through this development, I discovered that a constant revisit to the past is as distracting as the colorful images on television that hide the truth from the public eye. It is as debilitating as the lies our government churns out to subjugate us into thinking that everyone, with enough drive and conviction, can live the American Dream.

Another word better suited for a young assignment would also be “intention”. This word (through the process of reflection) triggers the thought of an older gentleman asking a younger one “What are your intentions with my daughter?” To ask someone’s intention is a powerful gauge of that person’s worth. One of the bulleted items defining reflection are “the articulation of what learning has taken place, as embodied in various texts as well as in the process used by the writer.” Intention changes that statement into “the articulation of intended direction in interest to be learned and planned pursuits and processes to be used by the writer.” That, in turn, forces the student to think proactively, positively and honestly.

What are my intentions in writing this paper? I plan to write a paper that is circumferential to inciting a revolution. I wish to be the change I want to see in my world. I want to stop seeing people standing on the side not doing or saying anything. I want to help people understand that they are giving their rights away. The world is not a pretty place right now and too many people are content with that.

12 Week Challenge

This is what I look like so far. I have entered into a contest on Bodybuilding.com. I hope to win wish me luck! http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/2013-100k-challenge.html

Keeping a promise

So today, I was surprised with information on which I had been waiting. My botched school blemish was removed a few weeks ago. I can finally get back to the task at hand: Going back to school. I have already registered and getting ready to receive my GI Bill. I have been wanting this to happen since the last Summer.
So wish me luck on this next semester. Hopefully, I will be able to come up with some wild and crazy adventures to take you on.