Different Shades of Me

Sith Creed

"Peace is a lie. There is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken."
-the Sith Creed

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Day I Lost Regret

I sit on a thought
    as I decide my fate
an action I should have sought
     a side I should take
     on something I forgot
but think of each night I'm awake.
A Bastion of Hope
A Renaissance of Love
I floated aimlessly on an exhilaration
a madness that accompanies admiration,
a sadness that’s borne from strife,
a sickness that follows the night,
a cosmic jester bent on world domination
yet we have let him
come over us
like a gaudy
vision of truth
A Rekindling of Life?
I can hear your distant cries
yet I cannot pinpoint where they are
or understand what you are saying
does it have anything to do with us being apart
or is it about our love or your weak heart?
We have grown apart in the strangest of ways
we were once one, together.
we were about to give love a name
but it has become a gaseous shape
and has begun to dissipate.
The thunderous storm in the background
has drowned out your voice.
Please speak up
because it sounds as if you are saying:
I love you.
there are more things love will allow
than those it cannot provide for.
Blocking the electrostatic waves of chaos
I bleed from my ears
gaining control of the situation
at hand
by lending a hand
in making a stand
against the ones who won't understand
the ebb and swirl
of a hard up girl
pawing and clawing
upon my shins
cawing and hollering
begging me to forget her sins:
touching me like a friend
trying to pretend
that her sweet song won't end.

Callous to the blah, blah, blah
and the things I saw
the day I awoke
head filled with smoke
the day I was tricked
was the day I realized
by whom.
It happened so quick
when he materialized
inside the room
he possessed my friend
me without knowing
until the lies started flowing
suddenly they stopped
he looked me dead in the eyes
and proceeded to tell me his stories
I couldn't despise
nor could I forget
I saw through the disguise
and I wasn't fortunate
staring deep within
the ripples of vertigo
flashes of hot
flashes of cold
I am spinning out of control
I'm lost within a sea of forgetfulness
because i forgot why I loved you
what it was that started the spark
and what fuel it was that kept it aflame
I'm sliding within the eye of the beholder
constricting her sight
his love
and its thought.
I run deeper than the blatant truths
of nothingness
I exist with more profundity
than the surface that you see
I'm here to expose the truth forever
But don't you ever call me
an American again!
I'm tired of waking up
everyday dispensing life
the same fucked up lie
feeding a fire
that shouldn't burn
tossing bodies onto the ashes
just to stay warm
when you are already in Hell
though you can't tell
because he has placed you all
under a spell
I thought I could change
to find what I truly wanted
but it is not like me
I refuse to stand
on the side
passively, now I want more
more than the jovial
acts of jovial love
I could never love anyone
again through unrequited love
I don't know if I should
thank you
or curse you
for opening my eyes
to what I was doing wrong
while I sang a song
of why I never knew what
true love was
and how I will never know.

Then he spoke
with a voice
that made me choke
and blocking the sounds were not a choice
"Make something happen"
boomed deep within my head
"I've done it before
now it is your turn.
Just start with a microcosm
it's not hard at all."
I took a deep breath
and I felt it stretch
It felt strange but good
I breathed again and
the universe expanded by an inch
the galaxy turned counterclockwise
the solar system, tilted
the sun, contracted
and I took on another cool breath of air
quasars quased
quarks quarked
zeniths zened
and the multiple worlds within me
react with the universe of his own
pulsars pulsed within my chest
then a supernova cracked
lightning flashed
the bacteria shook and quivered at the sight of...
their whole existence being wiped out
before their eyes
by a creature in disguise
whose chainlink nebulae constrict me
from revealing the elliptical orbits of life
so that microbes can digest the sustenance
of my least favorite satellite.
My body is being invaded by viruses and alien invaders
from other inhabitable universes
looking for a place
they too can call home
all because
they too have lost their home
all because
they too will not give up without a fight
I fly toward the sun
like a comet at night
I fly for fun
I fly till the end is in sight
Why now?
I know that in less than a week
you will leave forever
ok then fare thee well
though I am one of the many
that want you to stay
It is forever I don't have
and forever I won't beg you stay
I care not about you anymore
So now I can turn a page
in this chapter of my life.
The Day I Lost Regret
The Day I Grew Old
The Day I Was Born
The Day My Story Was Told
The Day I Was Scorned
The Day I Knew
The Day I Flew
The Day I Will Never Forget

Sidenote: This poem was written in 2005. I posted a copy to my Facebook in 2011. This is the first actual posting/publishing on line. I was bound and determined to have my first book written before I was 26 and this was born Jan 2005. It is a precursor to how I live my life free from regret and miss opportunities. It is the first step I took toward living a fun filled life.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

ISO Dom/Sir: 2nd Encounter

I will never blindly give away my trust, Sir.

I was recently in the beginnings of a relationship. It didn't last. I reached a level of trust with someone and they mistook it for more. And that reminds me of a conversation I had with a fan. This fan is what inspired me to start this blog post series. I had announced on Twitter that I had collared a Pup. He asked so many questions about the Pup culture. I was amazed at what little I had known. Over the course of my education of the Pup world, I was slowly introduced and taken into the leather community. As I went further down the rabbit hole, I discovered that I wanted to be in Dom/Sub relationship.
Back to the conversation, he had asked me numerous times within a few days the progress of finding a Dom. I was a bit shocked by the amount of repeat questions. He was approaching the search like a series of random hookups as if I was looking for an actual partner.
I told him that the process was slow and arduous. My search had to take time. The gentleman was taken aback by that proclamation. "It shouldn't take long for someone as handsome as you to find someone to be your Dom," he says.
"Just because someone says they know how to tie someone up doesn't mean I should trust them so readily," I retorted. And then the gravity of that statement set in him, as well as myself. I realized that there WAS nothing stopping someone from blindfolding me and gutting me like a pig or even inadvertently making a tourniquet or not hearing me say the safe word. There were so many possibilities.
That was when I made a change in my search. By turing it into RE-search. Asking questions of people who are experienced in the BDSM world. I discovered that there are people who spank/flog a bit harder. Some who push your limits ever so slightly. Some who follow strict guidelines of safety. Others who would rather please themselves while you writhe in your restraints for pleasure.
I am literally sitting two weeks away from my Bound Gods shoot. I'm excited and a bit scared. Especially when I have not done anything like that off camera. It would be interesting to see what happens.

Friday, January 1, 2016

ISO Sir/Dom: 1st Encounter

This is a slight diary of sorts to be published at the beginning of every month. It is a glimpse of my journey into the leather/kink/fetish community. I am trying to discover what I like and do not like about sex. Discover what makes me horny, what makes me cum, what makes me cringe in pleasure… So welcome to the adventure of many, a tale of how I found a Sir.

This is my willingness to be your sub, Sir. 
December 2nd, 2015
Today was a good day in my search for a Sir. I received a phone call from none other than Kink Men! I was very excited! And surprised! (I mean, I did get a bit of a heads up.) Nonetheless, I have always wanted to work with them! It is the type of porn that doesn't turn me on because I am not there (giving or receiving whatever treatment). I feel taking this on as a medium is a test. I get to explore my Dominant/Submissive side of myself. Total psychology lesson.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Adventure: Black Honda

Well… (my new kinda catch phrase)
I've missed telling my awesome stories. And it is so nice to do it from the comfort of my own place. So here we go!
Earlier today, I was walking to the gym. Yes, I was wearing my rugby shorts. If I decided to jog/slowly run to the gym I was ready. Plus it was leg day. And it's Florida.
So, before I got to the side road of my gym and I hear a car honk in quick succession. I turned and didn't see any cars I recognized. Kept walking.
I see a black Honda with red rims and overly tinted out windows. I cross the street and walk behind it. Walking a bit further I hear a bunch of different car horns, like someone violated 43 different traffic laws. I just keep going. As I stepped onto the sidewalk in front of the grocery store at the opposite of the strip mall from my gym, I noticed a car behind me. It didn't pass. It didn't turn down a parking lane. It followed right behind me less than three feet away and to the left. So I look to see who it is. The Eye of Sauron couldn't penetrate that tint so I just kept walking.
The car then speeds up passed me. I can see the front door of the gym up ahead. I hear yet another car horn. And see black Honda pulled into a handicap spot. And then some not-my-type and not-so-handsome black gets out of the car like he was on the set of a Toni Braxton video. He leans against his door (like I am going to approach him). I glare at him and then head into the gym.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Untitled: 20140126

It always comes to this:

So many ideas flowing through my mind,
but none of them want to come out.
I stare and I stare
hoping the words would appear by themselves
I grip and I whine
when they do come out
because I feel guilt and shame
and a misery I can't compare.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Bacon Bandit style #772

Celebrity: "Surprise! I released an album!"
Me: "Surprise! I don't care."

Unless I play the album in some remote jungle and some ancient temple's door disinterred itself, I might think about listening to it in the gym. Can I lift to it?

Right now I have Drum and Bass in my iPod:

DnB Mix- NC-17

It motivates me in the gym.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Post 83: The Day I Looked Within

Tonight, I may have lost a masterpiece muse.
You know, that one muse to which you attach yourself.
Or the kind of muse whose inspiration is like a bright light.
Shining so bright in the night
That sloth begins to wither and fade.
Like the art made from those with a broken heart
Or treading atop the briny sea foam of loneliness.

I wonder if the muse ever realizes it.
What does the muse do?
Because no matter the outcome there will be a piece…
A piece of art.
A piece of heart.
Strewn about a canvas
Or shattered across a fret.
But let it be known:
The artist can't be inspired by an intangible muse.
Muscle must be grabbed
If it to be plucked from marble.
Songbirds must have a rhythm,
If it is to match your tune.
The forest must be set ablaze,
If it is to be called a conflagration.

Which is how it feels to lose your inspiration,
All alone
Putting out a fire
Because you wanted to paint the forest on fire
Yet you can't paint fire
At all
Because you don't have the color red.