Oops I'm sorry

Hello everyone! I'm apologizing because I've had a year. A very troubling and chaotic year. A lot has changed since last I logged in to here. I'm not sure how to say this nicely: I'm not going to be talking about anything over the last year except for anything that was positive or provided a place of growth.

The Day I Learned to Love

I sit on a thought

As I decide my fate

A misread schedule

A fucked up date

Sitting here lonely

Like I have time to waste.

I'm not with the games

Or playing with the head

I made a mistake

And now wish I was dead.

Your silence pins me down

While tears come out of me.

I'm not a rapper but I'm good with words

I want to feel your touch, not make you hurt.

I want to kiss your lips and share dessert.

I want to hear your laugh, I want to hear you flirt.

I call upon thunder

I call upon hail

My ancestors laugh at me

As I, yet again, fail

At something so simple

I never can catch by the tail.

Something so sweet

My tooth chips a nail

Something so neat

My truth does not trail,

I curl my feet

I tuck my tail.

My responses are at the speed of snail.

I'm not usually forgetful

But my head's in the clouds above

Heart shaped balloons tied to my brain

I can't stop thinking of you

Or the thought of finding love

I wanted to feel your love from the very start

I won't tell you lies

Or break your mechanical heart.

Because your laugh and smile are my favorite parts

So I can't jest or joke

About the way I feel

I might brag and boast

So tell me how you feel

I'll definitely type and post

About how this is real.

ISO Dom: Sounding

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For you? of course!

I was contacted in my IG DMs today. (No, it wasn't some one demanding free nudes) No, this person has been in contact with me for a few years now.

The conversation started out as someone willing to pay for my time (because that's how the conversation goes when I escort) and then it turned into me offering advice for entering the porn industry. At one point, it was even offered that I would be the debut model for the upcoming studio, even with the would be director/producer offering to be in a scene with me. To which I declined and informed him that was unprofessional, undesirable and the quickest way to lose business.

I bring this DM up because today, I was asked "how's it going any updates". I almost went in stating how insensitive it was but went a different approach. Told him there's nothing new to update outside of my stories and Twitter posts.

So how am I in the wrong to protect myself from an ever evolving scheme to have sex with me? Clearly this person is only trying to say what I want to hear so that he can win out. To get me and my time for free? Two years I've shown patience. Other SW would have received a gift, a tip, a thank you card showing support. I've received those gifts from other clients and fans. But why do I put so much energy into the ones who don't have any intention of paying? How do I let them down so that I can devote my time to the ones who aren't fluffing my head with false promises? Because that's where I evolve and grow as a model, SW or porn actor.

Feedback

Over the last few days I've received a lot of feedback and positive vibes from friends, family, and compassionate people. I'm grateful for that. Let's me know that the world isn't filled with hungry sharks that prey on the kindness of others.

Having a good support system is critical to maintaining a good mental health. Maybe cutting off the negative people from access to me is what I needed.

Why continue?

I had a mental breakdown the other day on Twitter. It was the result of someone thinking it's cute to ask for free content. I posted screenshots and everything. I've since deleted them and left Twitter for a "social media break".

I'm tired. Tired of giving so much of myself and not getting any return. Tired of doing the same thing as others and not getting recognition. Tired of trying to convince freeloaders to subscribe instead of asking for free shit.

Hell, I don't even know why I'm writing in this blog. It goes unread. 

Am I going to be one of those artists whose work only gets discovered after death? 

Oh yeah that's right, I haven't worked on my art because I'm busy making jerk off videos for free.

Wake n Bake diary 14

Sept 20

Just a friendly reminder that I am alive and well. Barely holding up but well. This has been a busy semester and I have to devote my time to it.